sixtyeight.

my sister is married.

& i miss her a lot.

on a positive note, i always wanted an elder brother & now i have one. ♥

sixtyseven.

have you ever come out of the cinema after a movie & start relating the movie to your ordinary life?

i watched ‘the last song’ for the second time, & ouh gee, i cried more this time. have to admit that i really have a weak spot for deaths; & it doesnt help that all nicholas sparks’ novel-to-movies have deaths in them. brr!

& i have come to realise that when i get scared or felt that the relationship/ friendship between me & another person is starting to escalate into something tedious or on the brink of monotony, i run away as a form of remedy. it is like fighting fire with fire, but i cant help it – it is a defense mechanism that has been in-built inside of me. somehow, this doesnt apply only to the opposite gender. i find that i am ambivalent towards women just as much as men.

i just… push people away.

sixtysix.

something has changed in us. there is a quick moment when i know that what has changed is what is missing. it is funny, but we were each the worst & the most beautiful thing about the other. we stumbled through life together as two cripples would, leaning on each other & grasping for something to steady ourselves; but we have come to find out that we werent holding each other up… we were dragging each other down with our own emotional handicaps.

time to think about moving into that aquarium.

sixtyfive.

i know that things are better than i could have imagined. i guess i just thought that ‘better’ would feel like home right away. instead, i find myself in this odd purgatory, much like a goldfish having to assimilate to a new aquarium by spending time in the safety of a plastic bag from the pet store. i am in no rush, apparently, to fully dive into the new aquarium, despite the beautiful waters just beyond.

sixtyfour.

i dont think i really know what love is. not in that ‘i want to know what love is’ foreigner, huge-eighties hair-band kind of way. i mean the amazing scope of it. how one word can define everything from the absolute love i have for ibuyah, & the complicated love i have for the sisters, all the way to this — where i am right now.

sixtythree.

i had always tried hard to reserve & isolate certain parts of myself, out of some blind sense of protection. dont get too attached to people; because i will just have to go without them. i had to stay in control. i had to know what is going to happen next. if i know it is going to be nothing, then i am not crushed. i couldnt be a victim of the roller coaster if i didnt get on in the first place, right?

sixtytwo.

sixtyone.

sixty.

days seem to pass really quick now. i dont know if it is cause i seem to enjoy them or they just tend to pass really quick. either way, it just proves one thing — i am getting closer & closer to kuala lumpur, graduation, & the much-talked-about event! suddenly, i am not prepared. i have yet to complete the guestbook, complete the signs, hand out the invites, prepare the time-schedule… ouh no, i certainly am not. the bridezilla must have rubbed all this emotions on me. i am feeling, not even the slightest bit prepared, trust me.

the journey of a hundred steps begins with the first step. i need to start! i dont even know what to wear for my graduation ceremony, havent gotten myself shoes for the wedding, havent saved any for kuala lumpur. ouh gee! & ibuyah had already assigned me to do lotsa enquiries/bookings for our getaway while the newlyweds go honeymooning. brr…

but somehow, when i am with you, for the first time in a very long time i feel at peace with myself & everything around me. i feel calm, warm & complete — the kind where you feel it resounding silently in your entire being. (:

fiftynine.